no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
