I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
