Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
