The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
