I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
