I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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