Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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