do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
