Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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