I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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