Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
