If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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