I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
