moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
