If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
