I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
