When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
