This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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