You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
