its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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