Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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