My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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