I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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