I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have post one night stand depression
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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