I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
