hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
