Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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