I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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