She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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