dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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