life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
