I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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