I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
