yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
