Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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