im drinking this country out of the recession.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
