Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
