Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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