I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
