Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
