tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
