Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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