Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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