You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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