I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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