Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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