My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
