Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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