I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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