Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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